National Slimebag Day

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Lately it seems that covering up a good sex scandal is getting harder and harder…damn it…whatever happended to the good ’ol days? 

With a wide circulation of gossip magazines, television, the internet and the relatively new addition of sites such as YouTube, there’s just no escaping the public humiliation you’re bound to face if you cheat on your wife, solicit sex in a bathroom stall, sexually harass your intern, fondle a minor or pay thousands for a prosititute.

What I’ve been trying to wrap my head around is why we seem to care so much about some Idaho Senator’s sexual indescretions or a New York Governor’s hooker obsession. We don’t care if Brad fucks Angelina while he’s still married to Jen. We didn’t see him make a public apology and hand over his SAG Card. Why? It’s not because he doesn’t have a political agenda. Between him and Angelina they’ve done more to better this world than a Senator/Governor/President does in a lifetime. No…we forgive and forget because he’s hot. And so is Angelina. And we like to imagine them having dirty sex in a movie trailer. We do NOT, however, want to imagine Larry Craig balls deep in some stranger’s mouth, in an airport restroom. But that’s beside the point. What it all comes down to is HONESTY. We, the American People, just don’t want to be lied to. Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining. You know what I mean?

So in an effort to STOP THE LIES, I suggest we do away with the public humiliation and rather, embrace their deviant acts by creating a day to celebrate our political leaders who have been involved in the dirtiest of sex scandals. Political figures whom I figure just never learned how to draw inside the lines because they repeatedly use their penises like Harold used his Purple Crayon, marking their territory all over, what should be, our FINE country.

The sex scandal stretches as far back as George Washington’s rumored extramarital affairs. Thomas Jefferson was fucking his slave. Warren G. Harding is rumored to have been poisoned by his wife when she discovered he was having an affair. Alexander Hamilton was dropping batches left and right, and NOT in his wife. Presidents like JFK, FDR and Dwight D. Eisenhower made it kind of “cool” to sleep around. I mean, JFK was a stud, right? Marilyn Monroe, Angie Dickinson, Inga Arvad, some stripper named Blaze, a few White House secretaries he endearingly referred to as “Fiddle” and “Faddle”. Nevermind he was married to America’s sweetheart, Jackie O., there was a Cuban Missile crisis going on in our young president’s trousers.

The list goes on and on…civic leaders, “upstanding moralists” who made it their mission to spread their seed…Newt Gingrich was getting BJ’s from a campaign worker. David Vitter (R-LA) was a client of the DC Madam. Mark Fowley (R-FL) had a fondness for little boys. Bob Allen (R-FL) solicited an undercover cop for oral sex valued at $20. Ken Calvert, a Christian Coalition Cheerleader was nabbed, nabbing a prosititute in the back seat of his car and tried to flee the scene. Silly Christian…tricks are for kids (a.k.a., drunk, horny frat boys on spring break in Vegas).

And who can forget Clarence Thomas asking Anita Hill if there was a “pubic hair” in his coke, or if she ever dined at “Long Dong Silver.” If there were more than 365 days in a year, I’d give Clarence his own day just for being witty and slimy all at the same time.

And of course we have Clinton and Monica. Clinton and Jen Flowers. Clinton and Juanita Broaddrick. Clinton and…shall I continue?

McGreevy kept his lover on the payroll. That’s right…some of your tax dollars went to keeping his manwhore happy.

Recording to reports, Eliot Spitzer may have spent upwards of $80,000.00 on prostitutes over the past ten years. Just to put this in perspective, If the NY Spermanator had invested that money in political endeavors, he would’ve been a hero. Try this on for size…13,000,000 American Children - that’s 1 in 5 - live in households that are hungry…it costs roughly $34/year to feed a child in school. Spitzer could have single handedly paid for 235 kids to eat a healthy breakfast and lunch for 10 years. Way to go, dipshit. And, P.S., Spitz, you’re whore was beat. If you’re paying $4700.00 a pop, that stinkbag better be good looking, at least.

Even our beloved George W. Bush has had some scandal brushed under the rug…does anyone find it odd that the two women in our president’s past, one who cried “rape” (Margie Schoedinger) and one stripper who claims the two had an affair (Tammy Phillips), have turned up either DEAD or MISSING? Hmmm? Something smells fishy and it’s not just GDubs finger.

I could go on and on all day long, but I have to remember my main point…Let’s not beat these scoundrels down. Let’s celebrate their lack of moral code, infedelities, disgusting obsessions, and pedophilic urges. Come on…Are you with me?!

I declare May 1st, 2008 (just because), the first annual NATIONAL SLIMEBAG DAY. So get ready…it’s coming soon!

What shall you do to celebrate, you ask?  Well, first of all, call in sick to work, start your morning off with a shot, (cum shots are preferred), spend a small fortune (hopefully your child’s college tuition) on some low rent hooker, stalk some pre-schoolers, solicit a stranger on the street for a BJ, smoke a cigar that’s been soaked in vagina, and have a good time…just be honest when you do it.

And my final plea…Please, please, please Obama (I guess this goes for Hillary, as well) keep your dick in your pants. I want to believe in Change.

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