happy belated bEarthday!

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With all this green hubalub going on surrounding Earth Week, I figured I should do what I’m best at and join the party. Though I prefer the other green holiday…St. Patricks Day (a day where it’s not only okay, but encouraged, to drink ’til you’re vomiting on yourself, in a public restroom, while making out with several strangers, one of whom is dressed like a leprechaun), I guess I can also find a place in my heart to celebrate the birthday of our dear Mother Earth. She should be honored. My own mother hasn’t received even a birthday card since ‘84 (and my pre-school teacher made me make that one). Anyway, it’s Earth Week. And if I’m correct (which is rare), yesterday was Earth Day, so Happy Belated Bearthday!

The Green phenomenon is wild. Al Gore makes a little film called an Inconvenient Truth and suddenly everyone jumps on his back, like a clown giving piggy back rides at the state fair. Don’t get me wrong…I love being green, especially since I heard BEER may be global warming’s next victim. And because Leo’s green. I do everything Leo does, but I have my own ideas for ways to go “Green” and help Save the Planet.

Here are my Top 3 (was going to be 5, but I’m feeling a little lazy) Green Tips:

1. It’s no big secret that we should all make efforts to maintain an Earth-Friendly Diet. Smartie Green People tell us to buy local/organic foods, eat foods that are in season, cut down on meat consumption, yada, yada, yada. The U.N. Food and Agricultural Organization blames 18% of greenhouse gas emissions on the production, transportation and consumption of red meat. (*Note: I guess I have to now thank Tyra for her Beef Curtains episode as I have not touched red meat since it aired). Essentially, meat eaters are leaving giant, shit-kicking carbon boot prints on the Earth while Vegetarians are barely tip-toeing on our land. So, yeah, these tips are effective, but I think I have a better solution…something that will make a much bigger impact. Tip #1…STARVE YOUR CHILDREN. That’s right. Chances are your kid’s already a tug-boat, but if not, it’s only a matter of time. Today’s youth has purchased a one way ticket on the Obesity Train, so, starve the little fucker. Yeah, they’ll probably whine and cry at first, but eventually hunger pains subside, the starvation process begins, the stomach will begin feeding on it’s own bile, and then, soon enough, the stomach will shrink and the amount of food the child is then dependent on will drastically decrease. (*Note – if you’re child is a maniac and has been prescribed Ritalin, problem solved… Hungry kids have no energy!) Now, I’m not proposing you starve your kid forever. Every once in awhile, toss the little shit a cucumber or a head of broccoli (locally grown, of course) and teach him/her a lesson in rationing. While the kid learns an important survival tool, AND grows thinner, you’ll be doing your part to keep Earth green. The bonus… Nothing is better than a skinny, self-sufficient child with low energy.

2. Every year the U.S. imports more shit (oil, food, flowers, paper, steel, petroleum, textiles, etc.) than any other country in the world. America is THE bully on the playground, taking all the smaller kids’ oreo cookies, licking the cream out, and throwing the less valued cookie part back in their face. And the fact is, the act of importing directly contributes to global warming. Whether it’s having wild orchids imported from Thailand or adopting an orphan from Russia, the impact that transportation has on the Earth is tremendous. The Smartie Green Peeps tell us to decrease our dependence on foreign commodities. Ha. They’ve obviously never slept on silk sheets imported from Bhaglapur. What everyone should realize by now, is that we have needs, and we ARE America, so our needs are much more important than the needs of others. I have come to terms and made my peace with the idea of taking from those less fortunate. Survival of the fittest, right? How else are we going to power our SUV’s or heat our swimming pools or be able to order the Toro at Nobu? Oh, the dilemma… But there is one thing we can do to lessen the impact our imports have on global warming…BAN CHILD LABOR LAWS and LEGALIZE U.S. SWEATSHOPS. We are the ultimate consumers so why not manufacture in-house? Not only will the cost of Nikes made in our own sweatshops decrease, but we’ll no longer have to import textiles and thus, reduce the U.S. impact on global warming. I’m surprised Walmart didn’t come up with this idea long ago. In fact, every country should do as the west does and BAN child labor laws. Fuck ‘em. Kids should work. And they should do it for free, in haphazard conditions, without bathroom breaks and with little food. In fact, if we can enslave the kids who are already being starved, this won’t even be a problem. The bonus…Gap is in the clear, Kids learn the value of a dollar, and preserve the Earth they stand to inherit.

3. Global Warming is caused by toxic gases which are released into the atmosphere. These gases have undoubtedly led to the melting of the polar ice cap at an unthinkable rate. The Smartie Green Peeps are constantly reminding us of ways to reduce our carbon footprint and decrease the amount of toxins released into the air. But what about all those nasty little skanks running around without underwear, spreading their legs whenever some rich douche bag in studded jeans and an Ed Hardy T-shirt gives them a pervy-wink? What about the toxins they’re releasing into the earth’s atmosphere every time they climb out of an Escalade? Shouldn’t we re-focus our efforts to making their brown-eyes “green”? And this brings me to   Tip #3…UNIVERSAL CORKAGE FEE (if you don’t keep your legs crossed, put on some underwear and keep your stink hole closed, you will be FINED). What if we shove a permanent cork up Leelo’s stinky pink? What if we sew Brit-Brit’s hot pocket shut like the chick on ANTM? And Paris’s entire lower body, below that disgusting naval ring, should be amputated, Ruinsstyle, just for the safety of the free world and my sanity. This will not only save a good portion of the population, whose hometown was unlucky enough to end up on the Good Charlotte tour, from inevitable STD’s, but will also STOP the emissions of what can only be classified as the “worst of the worst” greenhouse gases. It’s no wonder LA’s covered in a nasty smog. Let’s just say, whatever is leaking from these chicks’ effaces is NOT okay. Why else would the term “firecrotch” have been invented?  

So, there we have it… Maybe my ideas aren’t as innovativeas changing out the light bulbs in your house to energy efficient ones or buying a hybrid vehicle, but I’m pretty confident, if we can implement my “green” ideas into our everyday lives, we can make a difference.

If this blog has left you completely unsatisfied with ways you can make a difference, please refer to the following websites, written by the real Smartie Green People who actually have a clue what the fuck they’re talking about when it comes to saving the planet:

www.greenisthenewpink.org  www.orGLAMic.wordpress.com

Your humbled green servent, Harman

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