48 hours ago Jason Mesnick was America’s favorite bachelor, but he went from hero to zero in one hour last night on ABC’s The Bachelor, and I just wouldn’t be doing my hob (hobby job) if I didn’t call him out for being such a DOUCHEBAG.
There is absolutely NO excuse for the maneuver this fickle pickle pulled. I don’t have the energy or the desire to explain it all now. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, try tuning into a reliable news source every once in awhile, like E! Entertainment. I do however have some things I would like to say to those involved:
Melissa, though you are far from the brightest light on the menorah, you’re way too good for this retard. You need to get a little hopped up, make some bad decisions and forget all about that loser. In fact, I know a few guys who would fuck the bitterness right out of you if you’re ever up for it.
Molly, you’re a troll with no spine or self-respect. You and Rhianna should form a club. Maybe Stephen Hawking can join.
DeAnna, you should change your locks and change your number ASAP because this dickhead will definitely be calling you next. Six more weeks with the troll and he’ll be calling every bachelorette he ever sent packing.
Chris Harrison, quit referring to the bachelor as “historic”. World Wars are historic. The Civil Rights Movement was historic. Britney shaving her head was historic. Fickle Pickle changing his mind, though extremely douchey, is NOT historic.
Ty, one word: Emancipation.
And lastly, Jason… How no one ever realized that you’re about 5’6” and a giant pussy, I’ll never know, but kudos to pulling the wool over the eyes of America. If it had been just one girl who wasn’t good enough for you, I may have been able to take this ride. But you failed your first marriage, you failed with DeAnna, you let 24 girls slip right through your hands, you failed your second engagement and the cycle most likely continues from here, so… Maybe it’s you. If you have one friend who kills them-self, it’s most likely them. If you have three or more friends who kill themselves, there might be something wrong with YOU. You catch my drift?
Peace out, Douchebag. We don’t have room for you here in LA, so take that shit back to Seattle and concentrate on making sure your son doesn’t turn out like you.