Category Archives: Humor

Baby Got Back

I opened my computer today to find one of the most exciting news stories EVER…! No, it wasn’t the news that Iran and six world powers had actually made some progress in their discussions regarding Iran’s nuclear endeavors. And it wasn’t that the most popular car color in America is still SILVER, though that is very exciting and news worthy.

See related article: http://www.autos.yahoo.com/articles/autos_content_landing_pages/1137/let-it-shine-silver-remains-top-auto-paint-color/

It was this: Baby Born with Second Penis on Back

Whhhaaaaat?! Huuuuhhh?! Why does nothing cool like this ever happen to me or anyone I know?!

The baby boy was born in China with a rare condition doctors call, “Fetus in Fetu (FIF)”. I prefer the term,”Double-sided Commie Dildo” but that’s just me. The extra manhood bestowed upon this young one is a symbol of luck in the Chinese culture as the number TWO is thought to bring very good things… There is even an old Chinese saying, “good things come in pairs.” Yes, yes they do. 

I was even more excited to discover that there are photos! The following may be graphic in nature, so if you have a weak stomach or, if you’re like any other woman in this world and tend to think the male genitalia is visually insulting and disturbing, prepare yourself…

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The good news is, he just made the Reverse Cowboy a whole lot easier, he’s going to have more threesomes in his lifetime than Eric Dane and Senn Penn put together, and he’s Asian so he was probably going to need the extra help later in life anyway. God bless him.

Please send your favorite captions…this one is too good not to leave a comment.

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Filed under Humor, Sports, Travel

Something Smells Fishy in Canada

A Saskatchewan Fisherman reeled in the world’s biggest trout from Lake Diefenbaker earlier this week. There is debate over whether or not the 48 pound Rainbow Trout should actually be granted the World Record or not as there are skeptics out there who believe the fish was in fact genetically engineered to grow to an abnormal size. I just want to say…

WHO THE FUCK CARES?

The real story here is the smokin’ HOT Canadian fisherman. Yes, I said “HOT Canadian”. Oxymoron? Yes. Under all normal circumstances. But normal these are not, and this was no mistake.

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Even with that stupid light on his head and fish guts all over his Columbia Sportswear, he’s still a 10. Perhaps he was the one genetically engineered. Perhaps the Canadians have been genetically engineering the world’s hottest guys for years, hiding them in their backwoods territories, waiting for just the right moment to unleash them on the world’s supply of unsatisfied and horny women, in an effort to create genetically gifted, super hot babies with an affinity for the outdoors. Did anyone ever think to question that? No. They didn’t.

No one would ever expect good looking people to hail from Canada…our neutral, and historically inferior, neighbor to the North – a country who has given us Mike Meyers…mike myers 1 apr08

 

ag-awardsSeth Rogen…

 

 

 

 

                                                       Michael Cera…images

…NOT one of whom I would ever grant sausage pocket privileges.

In all fairness, the Canucks did send Ryan Reynolds our way, but even he looks a little laden with Downs Sydrome every once in a while. The evidence has been proven time and again – Canada isn’t exactly breeding at a top-tier level…or so we thought. Well, cat’s out of the bag now and he’s just taken down a really big fish. It should be noted that this specimen of a fish hunter has a twin brother. What do you say to that?

I say come fishing in LA Mr. Canada…you’re bound to catch something. And if he can’t make it that far south, single ladies take note: Summer in Saskatchewan… It has a nice ring to it.

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Filed under Humor, Lifestyle, Sports, Travel, Uncategorized

Giving Thanks…

I’m thankful first and foremost for beer, dirties and parly twofers.

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I’m thankful the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants trilogy was put to rest after number two since the idea of a pair of jeans that fit both America Ferrera and that little Gilmore girl was just plain stupid to begin with.   

I’m thankful for the phrase, “road hard and put away wet”. For many reasons.

I’m thankful for the people who feed the impoverished and homeless at Thanksgiving, allowing the rest of us to hideaway in our cozy homes and completely ignore the tragic issue at hand.

I’m thankful it will no longer be considered ‘weird’ or ‘creepy’ to masturbate during the State of the Union Address.

I’m thankful for YouTube. Specifically, watch?v=fUSvXzYnQZM which makes me piss myself laughing, even under the worst of circumstances. Did you ever drink Bailey’s from a shoe?

I’m thankful for the worst of circumstances.

I’m thankful Dancing With the Stars allowed Brooke Burke to realize her full potential and hope it can do the same for Sarah Palin next season.

I’m thankful for this shitty, shitty economy because now it’s almost cool to be poor.

I’m thankful for Asian people, but really only the Japanese because I love sushi.

I’m thankful for my brothers and sisters, but really only the ones that still talk to me.

I’m thankful for Chelsea Handler and her dirty little hot-pocket for paving the way for foul-mouthed blonds with bad drinking habits across the globe.

I’m thankful Christian Audigier’s daughter turned 16 so she can start fucking all the douchebags who wear her dad’s clothes and simultaneously take some of the heat off those of us who who think guys who wear Ed Hardy are hideous.

I’m thankful for hemrhoid cream… For the sake of those men who wear Ed Hardy.

I’m thankful for meatless corndogs.

I’m thankful for the 30 minutes of complete escape Wheel of Fortune provides me on a nightly basis. For example: “I’d like to solve the puzzle… John Hamm Sandwich!” 

I’m thankful gas prices have gone down, but disappointed my roommate has become more gaseous.

I’m thankful that I’m almost 30 and won’t have to give anymore blowjobs. That’s the rule, right?

I’m thankful our forefathers were able to cover up the rape, pillage and murders they committed with a national holiday dedicated to overeating and watching football.

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I’m thankful for my readers…both of you. Feel free to let me know what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving.

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Filed under Holidays, Humor, Pop Culture, Thanksgiving

VOTE, Motherf&%$@#!

Today is Friday, October 31st – Halloween – and while I fully plan on blogging very soon about all the debaucherous shenanigans and well-thought-out costumes I witness this weekend, I feel compelled to send out this very important message to the 9 people who actually read this blog…

VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE.

I’m sure you’re already planning on it, but if you’re anything like me, you can never figure out WHERE to vote. Finding your polling location is more difficult than finding your g-spot, only most people will spend more time searching for their glory button than they would a voting booth. If you can relate, this website will help… http://www.vote411.org. If you need help tipping the man in the boat, I’m sure there is a website that can assist you, but I stay away from that sort of Internet content. Most of the time.

Back to the issue at hand… So, you’re already voting and you know exactly where to go. You ask yourself, what else can I do? Answer: Maybe you know someone who doesn’t plan on voting. They will never admit this as they would then risk public flogging and be ostracized by friends, so use your best detective skills (dickskillz as I call them), and find that one friend who claims they will be voting, but who you know very well will be hiding out in a cold, empty movie theatre or playing Guitar Hero in their basement until the polls close. Drag this person to the polling booth, use physical force if you have to, and make them VOTE. If they’re unsure who to vote for you must do two things… 1. Tell them they’re retarded…there is one clear choice and give them a swift kick to the head. 2. Tell them to vote for OBAMA.

Now, if you really want to earn extra credit this election season, even more than those damn 3rd graders in Alaska, call a friend from a swing state and persuade them to get out there and VOTE…preferably for OBAMA. Currently we are on very shaky ground in Ohio, Missouri, South Carolina and Indiana, but it never hurts to call your grandparents at their retirement community in Florida, your militia friends in Michigan, or your Coke/Ex dealer in Vegas. 

We only have 4 days left, but a lot can happen in a short amount of time if we have HOPE…

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Puck Off, Palin…I Nominate My Mom!

I want to start by saying that Sarah Palin seems like a sweet woman, good mom, intelligentcapable…okay, scratch that…she’s kind of likable. There we go…likable. Maybe. And she proved she can read a teleprompter. But is this the measure of the Vice Presidency? I know the past eight years have muddled the description of both President and Vice President – ‘dipshit’ became a requirement to hold the Presidential office, and ‘smug asshole’ became the norm for Vice, but McPalin would take this country to a whole new level of stupid. The one good thing that could come from this dynamic duo teaming up is a good old fashioned, NRA approved hunting trip…If Palin is as good of a shot as Cheney, maybe we kill two Dodo Birds with one stone.

There will be those who argue that Sarah Palin’s speech at the RNC was impressive. I would argue that your expectations were LOW to begin with. What was so impressive? Was it her ‘I’m rubber, you’re glue’ tone delivered in that nasally, Fargo-esque voice? Or were you impressed with how she said “John Sssss. McCain” like she knew the biggest secret in town. Please, do NOT be fooled by this self proclaimed, small town girl’s lipstick-wearing-pit-bull routine. “I’m just your average hockey mom…” Come on… She was likable. That’s it. And I know plenty of other likable women whom I would NOT vote for, but at least take seriously, before I even thought about Sarah Palin.

On a serious note, what about Kay Bailey Hutchinson or Elizabeth Dole? I’m on the Biden train, but wouldn’t one of these women be a better choice for running mate? Why not Charlize Theron…she’s likable enough? Chelsea Handler (LOVE her)? My next door neighbor (a really cool chick)? Your Mom? My Mom…? The list goes on. The similarities between Sarah Palin and MY MOM are actually quite astounding and still MY MOM would be a better choice for VP. Take a looksie…

Palin was raised in a small town. MY mother was raised in a small town!

Palin served on the PTA…MY mother served on the PTA!

Palin is raising five kids with her Eskimo-husband Todd. MY MOM raised five kids, without A Todd around, while holding down a more-than-full-time job…two boys and three girls – NONE of which knocked anyone up or got knocked up at 17. Oooh, damn…point for Palin.

Palin was runner-up to Miss Alaska 1984…MY MOTHER was a Michigan Pageant Queen and WON! That means she actually went home with the crown. Take that, beotch.

Palin is a Hockey Mom (*note: if you drive the carpool once a month and provide Sunny D. for the kids, you are granted the coveted Hockey Mom status). MY MOM not only drove the carpool and gave out juice boxes, but she also attended every game AND coached 13 different teams for five different kids, over 20 years. That’s what the hockey world calls a Hat Trick. BAM. Puck off, Palin.

Palin was passionate about her efforts to cut wasteful spending…like the “luxury jet” that was “over the top” or her attempt to “muddle” through life without a personal chef… MY MOTHER could burn a pop-tart in a toaster, but she always had dinner (cereal or mac & cheese) on the table, she didn’t fly until she was 20, and she made a dollar stretch a mile. I’ll even guarantee she has the receipts to prove it. Sorry you had to forego your private jet, Sarah…Maybe you could’ve kept it if you didn’t spend so much on that Pearl Necklace you wore last night…Or was that a gift from Todd? 

Palin’s speech was so modest, she even admitted that she drives herself to work everyday. WOW…this is getting eerie, now…MY mom also drives herself to work. Cray-zee.

Since this whole election has turned into one giant shit show, I don’t see any reason why I can’t use this blog, 10 hours before McCain officially accepts the Republican nomination alongside his running mate, to nominate My MOM for Vice President 2008! We thank you ahead of time for your support and want you to know we are doing everything we can to have her trained to use a high powered rifle to kill innocent animals and/or people if they get in her way. AND, if it helps matters, she has no opinions on foreign policy either…JUST LIKE SARAH PALIN!

In summation, I’d just like to thank the Republicans, on behalf of Obama supporters everywhere, for choosing Palin, and in effect, banking on mediocrity to win this election. You are forever in my debt. -Love always and long live the Polar Bear, Harman

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Filed under Humor, Politics

Why the 2008 Beijing Olympics are the BEST Ever…Until the 2012 Olympics!

China seems to have thought of EVERYTHING – they extradited their troublemakers to Shanghai, had the small-handed children of Mongolia craft Chairman Mao Wristwatches, encouraged the Red Army to smile more and then some…For the past ten days, I have wished nothing more than to be Chinese. Yep, I said it.

Without further ado, here are the top ten reasons why these Olympics are the bees’ knees.

#10. This guy’s main purpose is to fire invisible laser beams into the sky, ‘seeding’ the clouds, making sure that the 2008 Olympic Athletes stay dry…With the exception of the athletes referred to in point #1. The Beijing Olympics will NEVER have to suffer through a summer rainstorm. I swear…Those Chinese think of EVERYTHING. Can I get a “what, what?” for my friend on the weather-ass-kicking nuke. God…? IS that you? You’re Asian!? I knew it all along!

#9. My parents went to the ’84 Olympics and all I got was a lousy t-shirt that read, “My Parent’s Went to the 1984 Olympics and All I Got  Was This Lousy T-shirt.” I’m sure they thought it was VERY funny at the time. If only I was a 4-year-old girl, awaiting their return, now that the souvenirs are 100% first class…I am literally dying for a Coozie with Chairman Mao’s fat face on it.

#8. The Phelpster…And I’m not talking swimming prowess or a record breaking, eight gold medals – I’m talking about those size 14’s. That’s right, ladies. Who cares if he looks like the off-spring from a drunken night shared by John Krasinski and Nicholas Cage? It doesn’t matter. Big feet equals a Big Cockatiel. And a Big Cockatiel equals a lot of loud chirping going on all night long. Chirp, chirp.

#7. Anything and everything is considered a sport…First of all, there is no way in Hell I will ever believe that Trampoline is a sport. I was doing that shit long before they made it an Olympic sport. I was doing cart-wheels, flips, triple axle somersaults, spread eagles, AND full penetration on my family’s backyard trampoline, in the middle of a ass-backwards, republican neighborhood full of white supremacists, BY the time I was 15, so SUCK IT China! That’s thrilling…That would have qualified me for 9.00 rating in Difficulty. Secondly…Speed Walking? Come on…Ping-Pong? That broom/curling/sweeping bullshit? Stabbing American Tourists? You’ve got to hand it to them…The Chinese really did get inventive for 2008.

#6. You may have been lucky enough to pick up a pair of these trendy 2008-Olympic-Recycled-From-2008-New-Years-Festivities-Sunglasses. OR you were lucky enough to meet this guy. Either way, you walked away a winner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

#5. The SNACKS…Who doesn’t love a little Sea-Horse on a Stick or Fried Scorpion or Goat Lung Ball Soup? Tastes just like chicken. 

#4. The Five Friendlies, duh. I just want to say that whatever the creator of these five animae creatures – which are suppose to represent the five Olympic rings (don’t ask how) – whatever he was on, whatever he was smoking, whatever pills he was popping or dust he was sprinkling in his eyeballs, PLEASE – SHARE THE WEALTH! I want a one-way ticket on your well-planned trip! Not since the Tellatubbies hit America in ’98 have we seen such bizarre, drug-induced behavior from non-sensiscal, G-Rated characters. I specifically like this image where the small balloon creatures closely resemble a mob of hairless testicles, holding a mosh pit in plastic grass. That’s symbolic, right? Personally speaking, the Five Friendlies really get my Olympic engine roaring. Well done Sun/Kim/Gin/Jan – whatever your name is.

#3. Fuck the air pollution. I’ve got two words for all you Olympic bound fools…BIRD FLU.

#2. The DELAY. Can someone please, please, please explain why the two most technologically advanced countries in the entire universe could NOT figure out how to offer the Pacific Standard Time Zone LIVE coverage of the Olympic games? I guess this is why the critically acclaimed, MTV reality show, The Hills, gave NBC a run for their money on Monday night. Fuck you NBC. And Fuck you China.

#1. The Olympic Committee has finally caught on to the timeless tradition of using SEX to SELL. Consequently, every 14-year-old boy on the planet sends their many thanks.

1.A. Bia and Branca Feres are twin Synchronized Swimmers from Brazil. As luck would have it, they fell into synchronized swimming when they discovered ‘cum guzzling’ was NOT an Olympic sport. I don’t think they’ll be wearing a Gold Medal around their necks any time soon, but I do know a few guys who would be willing to adorn those collar bones with some pearls. 

1.B. A female Swimmer, Laure Manadou, representing France, learned the hard way that WET NYLON can sometimes (always) be see-through. Ahhh…C’est la vie. The good news…there was no need to take home the Gold or the Silver for that matter – those Silver Dollar Pancakes are gift enough. 

1.C. And of course the United States gets in on the action. Who knows better how to exploit the female body then the same country who brought you Playboy, Hustler, Joe Francis, the porn industry, Bill Clinton, etc., We KNOW sex. Only problem is we have the bodies, but they’re matched with some butter faces. Note to the World…Kerry Walsh is NOT hot. Yes, she has an ass that makes Kim Kardashian’s cottage cheese milkshake melt in jealousy. BUT-HER FACE. What a mess. I’m just glad she’s good at volleyball so she has a shot in life. Is it me or is the standard issue volleyball uniform getting smaller and smaller?

I’m pretty sure that’s the signal for “one in the pink, fist in the stink.”

There you have it…The top ten reasons I loved the Beijing Olympics of 2008. Let’s go London…! You better start planning now because you have a lot to live up to.

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Chris Martin Graduates…

…into the top ten artists in my iPod. For those of you who caught onto the title, let me hear a “what what” for the CW lineup this fall – Thank God someone in Burbank heard my cries for more sideburns and less “Girlfriends”. But let’s stick to the point…CMart has once again worked his way into my heart and I’m whistling Coldplay tunes like I did years ago, an insignificant sophomore humming Yellow on my way to my, now proven useless, Mythology 304 course. Last night’s concert not only exceeded expectations, but also made me cry AND pee in my pants (just a dribble). In all fairness, bathrooms were a six mile hike, up and down some gnarley stairs at the Forum and Fix You gets me every time. Not only was I surprised by an amazing laser light show and CMart’s presence and agility on stage, but a Jumbo Pacifico and Patron shots were only $9 a pop. The night was, to say the least, a phenomenal success and I have a Balenciaga full of neon colored, cellophane butterflies to prove it. Viva la Vida to Leems, Bump, Dubs, Hez and LW (nee Jadon)…I wouldn’t have wanted to be with anyone else or have anyone else in this world bare witness to Coldplay popping my cherry…I mean popping my CP cherry. Let’s face it…I’m running out of cherries that can be popped, so it was an honor to share that experience with all of you. It was such ‘a perfect day’.

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