China seems to have thought of EVERYTHING – they extradited their troublemakers to Shanghai, had the small-handed children of Mongolia craft Chairman Mao Wristwatches, encouraged the Red Army to smile more and then some…For the past ten days, I have wished nothing more than to be Chinese. Yep, I said it.
Without further ado, here are the top ten reasons why these Olympics are the bees’ knees.
#10. This guy’s main purpose is to fire invisible laser beams into the sky, ‘seeding’ the clouds, making sure that the 2008 Olympic Athletes stay dry…With the exception of the athletes referred to in point #1. The Beijing Olympics will NEVER have to suffer through a summer rainstorm. I swear…Those Chinese think of EVERYTHING. Can I get a “what, what?” for my friend on the weather-ass-kicking nuke. God…? IS that you? You’re Asian!? I knew it all along!
#9. My parents went to the ’84 Olympics and all I got was a lousy t-shirt that read, “My Parent’s Went to the 1984 Olympics and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt.” I’m sure they thought it was VERY funny at the time. If only I was a 4-year-old girl, awaiting their return, now that the souvenirs are 100% first class…I am literally dying for a Coozie with Chairman Mao’s fat face on it.
#8. The Phelpster…And I’m not talking swimming prowess or a record breaking, eight gold medals – I’m talking about those size 14’s. That’s right, ladies. Who cares if he looks like the off-spring from a drunken night shared by John Krasinski and Nicholas Cage? It doesn’t matter. Big feet equals a Big Cockatiel. And a Big Cockatiel equals a lot of loud chirping going on all night long. Chirp, chirp.
#7. Anything and everything is considered a sport…First of all, there is no way in Hell I will ever believe that Trampoline is a sport. I was doing that shit long before they made it an Olympic sport. I was doing cart-wheels, flips, triple axle somersaults, spread eagles, AND full penetration on my family’s backyard trampoline, in the middle of a ass-backwards, republican neighborhood full of white supremacists, BY the time I was 15, so SUCK IT China! That’s thrilling…That would have qualified me for 9.00 rating in Difficulty. Secondly…Speed Walking? Come on…Ping-Pong? That broom/curling/sweeping bullshit? Stabbing American Tourists? You’ve got to hand it to them…The Chinese really did get inventive for 2008.
#6. You may have been lucky enough to pick up a pair of these trendy 2008-Olympic-Recycled-From-2008-New-Years-Festivities-Sunglasses. OR you were lucky enough to meet this guy. Either way, you walked away a winner.
#5. The SNACKS…Who doesn’t love a little Sea-Horse on a Stick or Fried Scorpion or Goat Lung Ball Soup? Tastes just like chicken.
#4. The Five Friendlies, duh. I just want to say that whatever the creator of these five animae creatures – which are suppose to represent the five Olympic rings (don’t ask how) – whatever he was on, whatever he was smoking, whatever pills he was popping or dust he was sprinkling in his eyeballs, PLEASE – SHARE THE WEALTH! I want a one-way ticket on your well-planned trip! Not since the Tellatubbies hit America in ’98 have we seen such bizarre, drug-induced behavior from non-sensiscal, G-Rated characters. I specifically like this image where the small balloon creatures closely resemble a mob of hairless testicles, holding a mosh pit in plastic grass. That’s symbolic, right? Personally speaking, the Five Friendlies really get my Olympic engine roaring. Well done Sun/Kim/Gin/Jan – whatever your name is.
#3. Fuck the air pollution. I’ve got two words for all you Olympic bound fools…BIRD FLU.
#2. The DELAY. Can someone please, please, please explain why the two most technologically advanced countries in the entire universe could NOT figure out how to offer the Pacific Standard Time Zone LIVE coverage of the Olympic games? I guess this is why the critically acclaimed, MTV reality show, The Hills, gave NBC a run for their money on Monday night. Fuck you NBC. And Fuck you China.
#1. The Olympic Committee has finally caught on to the timeless tradition of using SEX to SELL. Consequently, every 14-year-old boy on the planet sends their many thanks.
1.A. Bia and Branca Feres are twin Synchronized Swimmers from Brazil. As luck would have it, they fell into synchronized swimming when they discovered ‘cum guzzling’ was NOT an Olympic sport. I don’t think they’ll be wearing a Gold Medal around their necks any time soon, but I do know a few guys who would be willing to adorn those collar bones with some pearls.
1.B. A female Swimmer, Laure Manadou, representing France, learned the hard way that WET NYLON can sometimes (always) be see-through. Ahhh…C’est la vie. The good news…there was no need to take home the Gold or the Silver for that matter – those Silver Dollar Pancakes are gift enough.
1.C. And of course the United States gets in on the action. Who knows better how to exploit the female body then the same country who brought you Playboy, Hustler, Joe Francis, the porn industry, Bill Clinton, etc., We KNOW sex. Only problem is we have the bodies, but they’re matched with some butter faces. Note to the World…Kerry Walsh is NOT hot. Yes, she has an ass that makes Kim Kardashian’s cottage cheese milkshake melt in jealousy. BUT-HER FACE. What a mess. I’m just glad she’s good at volleyball so she has a shot in life. Is it me or is the standard issue volleyball uniform getting smaller and smaller?
I’m pretty sure that’s the signal for “one in the pink, fist in the stink.”
There you have it…The top ten reasons I loved the Beijing Olympics of 2008. Let’s go London…! You better start planning now because you have a lot to live up to.