Category Archives: Politics

VOTE, Motherf&%$@#!

Today is Friday, October 31st – Halloween – and while I fully plan on blogging very soon about all the debaucherous shenanigans and well-thought-out costumes I witness this weekend, I feel compelled to send out this very important message to the 9 people who actually read this blog…

VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE.

I’m sure you’re already planning on it, but if you’re anything like me, you can never figure out WHERE to vote. Finding your polling location is more difficult than finding your g-spot, only most people will spend more time searching for their glory button than they would a voting booth. If you can relate, this website will help… http://www.vote411.org. If you need help tipping the man in the boat, I’m sure there is a website that can assist you, but I stay away from that sort of Internet content. Most of the time.

Back to the issue at hand… So, you’re already voting and you know exactly where to go. You ask yourself, what else can I do? Answer: Maybe you know someone who doesn’t plan on voting. They will never admit this as they would then risk public flogging and be ostracized by friends, so use your best detective skills (dickskillz as I call them), and find that one friend who claims they will be voting, but who you know very well will be hiding out in a cold, empty movie theatre or playing Guitar Hero in their basement until the polls close. Drag this person to the polling booth, use physical force if you have to, and make them VOTE. If they’re unsure who to vote for you must do two things… 1. Tell them they’re retarded…there is one clear choice and give them a swift kick to the head. 2. Tell them to vote for OBAMA.

Now, if you really want to earn extra credit this election season, even more than those damn 3rd graders in Alaska, call a friend from a swing state and persuade them to get out there and VOTE…preferably for OBAMA. Currently we are on very shaky ground in Ohio, Missouri, South Carolina and Indiana, but it never hurts to call your grandparents at their retirement community in Florida, your militia friends in Michigan, or your Coke/Ex dealer in Vegas. 

We only have 4 days left, but a lot can happen in a short amount of time if we have HOPE…

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Puck Off, Palin…I Nominate My Mom!

I want to start by saying that Sarah Palin seems like a sweet woman, good mom, intelligentcapable…okay, scratch that…she’s kind of likable. There we go…likable. Maybe. And she proved she can read a teleprompter. But is this the measure of the Vice Presidency? I know the past eight years have muddled the description of both President and Vice President – ‘dipshit’ became a requirement to hold the Presidential office, and ‘smug asshole’ became the norm for Vice, but McPalin would take this country to a whole new level of stupid. The one good thing that could come from this dynamic duo teaming up is a good old fashioned, NRA approved hunting trip…If Palin is as good of a shot as Cheney, maybe we kill two Dodo Birds with one stone.

There will be those who argue that Sarah Palin’s speech at the RNC was impressive. I would argue that your expectations were LOW to begin with. What was so impressive? Was it her ‘I’m rubber, you’re glue’ tone delivered in that nasally, Fargo-esque voice? Or were you impressed with how she said “John Sssss. McCain” like she knew the biggest secret in town. Please, do NOT be fooled by this self proclaimed, small town girl’s lipstick-wearing-pit-bull routine. “I’m just your average hockey mom…” Come on… She was likable. That’s it. And I know plenty of other likable women whom I would NOT vote for, but at least take seriously, before I even thought about Sarah Palin.

On a serious note, what about Kay Bailey Hutchinson or Elizabeth Dole? I’m on the Biden train, but wouldn’t one of these women be a better choice for running mate? Why not Charlize Theron…she’s likable enough? Chelsea Handler (LOVE her)? My next door neighbor (a really cool chick)? Your Mom? My Mom…? The list goes on. The similarities between Sarah Palin and MY MOM are actually quite astounding and still MY MOM would be a better choice for VP. Take a looksie…

Palin was raised in a small town. MY mother was raised in a small town!

Palin served on the PTA…MY mother served on the PTA!

Palin is raising five kids with her Eskimo-husband Todd. MY MOM raised five kids, without A Todd around, while holding down a more-than-full-time job…two boys and three girls – NONE of which knocked anyone up or got knocked up at 17. Oooh, damn…point for Palin.

Palin was runner-up to Miss Alaska 1984…MY MOTHER was a Michigan Pageant Queen and WON! That means she actually went home with the crown. Take that, beotch.

Palin is a Hockey Mom (*note: if you drive the carpool once a month and provide Sunny D. for the kids, you are granted the coveted Hockey Mom status). MY MOM not only drove the carpool and gave out juice boxes, but she also attended every game AND coached 13 different teams for five different kids, over 20 years. That’s what the hockey world calls a Hat Trick. BAM. Puck off, Palin.

Palin was passionate about her efforts to cut wasteful spending…like the “luxury jet” that was “over the top” or her attempt to “muddle” through life without a personal chef… MY MOTHER could burn a pop-tart in a toaster, but she always had dinner (cereal or mac & cheese) on the table, she didn’t fly until she was 20, and she made a dollar stretch a mile. I’ll even guarantee she has the receipts to prove it. Sorry you had to forego your private jet, Sarah…Maybe you could’ve kept it if you didn’t spend so much on that Pearl Necklace you wore last night…Or was that a gift from Todd? 

Palin’s speech was so modest, she even admitted that she drives herself to work everyday. WOW…this is getting eerie, now…MY mom also drives herself to work. Cray-zee.

Since this whole election has turned into one giant shit show, I don’t see any reason why I can’t use this blog, 10 hours before McCain officially accepts the Republican nomination alongside his running mate, to nominate My MOM for Vice President 2008! We thank you ahead of time for your support and want you to know we are doing everything we can to have her trained to use a high powered rifle to kill innocent animals and/or people if they get in her way. AND, if it helps matters, she has no opinions on foreign policy either…JUST LIKE SARAH PALIN!

In summation, I’d just like to thank the Republicans, on behalf of Obama supporters everywhere, for choosing Palin, and in effect, banking on mediocrity to win this election. You are forever in my debt. -Love always and long live the Polar Bear, Harman

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National Slimebag Day

Lately it seems that covering up a good sex scandal is getting harder and harder…damn it…whatever happended to the good ‘ol days? 

With a wide circulation of gossip magazines, television, the internet and the relatively new addition of sites such as YouTube, there’s just no escaping the public humiliation you’re bound to face if you cheat on your wife, solicit sex in a bathroom stall, sexually harass your intern, fondle a minor or pay thousands for a prosititute.

What I’ve been trying to wrap my head around is why we seem to care so much about some Idaho Senator’s sexual indescretions or a New York Governor’s hooker obsession. We don’t care if Brad fucks Angelina while he’s still married to Jen. We didn’t see him make a public apology and hand over his SAG Card. Why? It’s not because he doesn’t have a political agenda. Between him and Angelina they’ve done more to better this world than a Senator/Governor/President does in a lifetime. No…we forgive and forget because he’s hot. And so is Angelina. And we like to imagine them having dirty sex in a movie trailer. We do NOT, however, want to imagine Larry Craig balls deep in some stranger’s mouth, in an airport restroom. But that’s beside the point. What it all comes down to is HONESTY. We, the American People, just don’t want to be lied to. Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining. You know what I mean?

So in an effort to STOP THE LIES, I suggest we do away with the public humiliation and rather, embrace their deviant acts by creating a day to celebrate our political leaders who have been involved in the dirtiest of sex scandals. Political figures whom I figure just never learned how to draw inside the lines because they repeatedly use their penises like Harold used his Purple Crayon, marking their territory all over, what should be, our FINE country.

The sex scandal stretches as far back as George Washington’s rumored extramarital affairs. Thomas Jefferson was fucking his slave. Warren G. Harding is rumored to have been poisoned by his wife when she discovered he was having an affair. Alexander Hamilton was dropping batches left and right, and NOT in his wife. Presidents like JFK, FDR and Dwight D. Eisenhower made it kind of “cool” to sleep around. I mean, JFK was a stud, right? Marilyn Monroe, Angie Dickinson, Inga Arvad, some stripper named Blaze, a few White House secretaries he endearingly referred to as “Fiddle” and “Faddle”. Nevermind he was married to America’s sweetheart, Jackie O., there was a Cuban Missile crisis going on in our young president’s trousers.

The list goes on and on…civic leaders, “upstanding moralists” who made it their mission to spread their seed…Newt Gingrich was getting BJ’s from a campaign worker. David Vitter (R-LA) was a client of the DC Madam. Mark Fowley (R-FL) had a fondness for little boys. Bob Allen (R-FL) solicited an undercover cop for oral sex valued at $20. Ken Calvert, a Christian Coalition Cheerleader was nabbed, nabbing a prosititute in the back seat of his car and tried to flee the scene. Silly Christian…tricks are for kids (a.k.a., drunk, horny frat boys on spring break in Vegas).

And who can forget Clarence Thomas asking Anita Hill if there was a “pubic hair” in his coke, or if she ever dined at “Long Dong Silver.” If there were more than 365 days in a year, I’d give Clarence his own day just for being witty and slimy all at the same time.

And of course we have Clinton and Monica. Clinton and Jen Flowers. Clinton and Juanita Broaddrick. Clinton and…shall I continue?

McGreevy kept his lover on the payroll. That’s right…some of your tax dollars went to keeping his manwhore happy.

Recording to reports, Eliot Spitzer may have spent upwards of $80,000.00 on prostitutes over the past ten years. Just to put this in perspective, If the NY Spermanator had invested that money in political endeavors, he would’ve been a hero. Try this on for size…13,000,000 American Children – that’s 1 in 5 – live in households that are hungry…it costs roughly $34/year to feed a child in school. Spitzer could have single handedly paid for 235 kids to eat a healthy breakfast and lunch for 10 years. Way to go, dipshit. And, P.S., Spitz, you’re whore was beat. If you’re paying $4700.00 a pop, that stinkbag better be good looking, at least.

Even our beloved George W. Bush has had some scandal brushed under the rug…does anyone find it odd that the two women in our president’s past, one who cried “rape” (Margie Schoedinger) and one stripper who claims the two had an affair (Tammy Phillips), have turned up either DEAD or MISSING? Hmmm? Something smells fishy and it’s not just GDubs finger.

I could go on and on all day long, but I have to remember my main point…Let’s not beat these scoundrels down. Let’s celebrate their lack of moral code, infedelities, disgusting obsessions, and pedophilic urges. Come on…Are you with me?!

I declare May 1st, 2008 (just because), the first annual NATIONAL SLIMEBAG DAY. So get ready…it’s coming soon!

What shall you do to celebrate, you ask?  Well, first of all, call in sick to work, start your morning off with a shot, (cum shots are preferred), spend a small fortune (hopefully your child’s college tuition) on some low rent hooker, stalk some pre-schoolers, solicit a stranger on the street for a BJ, smoke a cigar that’s been soaked in vagina, and have a good time…just be honest when you do it.

And my final plea…Please, please, please Obama (I guess this goes for Hillary, as well) keep your dick in your pants. I want to believe in Change.

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Filed under Humor, Politics